Philippines: Oven Wedding, The Fruits are Offical

When a man, dressed as a woman wearing way to much powder blue sparkly eye makeup, shows up at the resort to do my makeup for my brother in laws wedding I am afraid. So not only do I have to worry about the fact that my skin HATES this weather and is flaking and peeling, I am NOW a freak of nature with WAY to much makeup on. As I march determinably back to my suite to wash and hurriedly repair the damage done to my face before some small kid sees me and is traumatized for life I think how I would like to beat the unfeminine transvestite, beat her with the largest blush brush in her kit, beat the woman/man who got me in this situation despite my not to gentle attempts to guide him/her as to what I like and don’t like and HOW I WAS SURE I did not need another coat of foundation over the three coats already on my skin. So now I am feeling overweight, self conscious about my overflowing bosom, red blotchy skin on my face, it is a billion degrees today and we need to sit through the two hour ceremony with no air conditioning and I KNEW I was in hell when I got here but now I know I am the devils personal play-toy and he is seeing how far he can push me before I go insane or spontaneously combust. The church literally feels like a clay oven and I cannot breath let alone help the fact that my SILK dress is now DRENCHED in sweat. YUMMY!

Aside from the fact that I am completely miserable here it is always interesting opening a door into another’s culture and it is really interesting (especially since I am now engaged and planning my own wedding) to see everything that Mrs. Fruit has planned for her wedding. I particularly like the use of personal sponsors. This is where you have to pick six married couples for each the bride and the groom who are meant to be your spiritual leaders in regards to questions you have about marriage and sticking together. Maybe if we had this institution in the US the divorce rate would go down. OR maybe it would create a web of agony, can you imagine 6 sets of parents PLUS your own telling you how to run your marriage. I also admire the concept of Philippines 2 greatest treasures, the pastor spoke a good 45 minutes about how family and faith here rule the households. And yet I still am praying for God to drop a plane ticket in my lap so I can go home early.

Unfortunately my leaving the church and getting to the quazi air conditioned reception should have made me happy BUT there was no alcohol served at Philippine weddings, they released doves as a symbol of happiness and they constantly flew around the room so I was afraid either I would get pooed on or my food would, the food was indescribably gross and I could find nothing to eat, AND the kicker I was not only FORCED to try and catch the bouquet I was rigged into picking it up off the ground. There it lie at my feet, as I stared away and HOPED someone would pick it up, and then as the multitude of the 200 plus people’s eyes focused on me and glared I considered just walking away but I had ONE GLIMER of pressure so I bent and picked it up. NOW thank GOD Mr. Rogue caught the garter but it was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life and I am happy!

Mr. and Mrs. Fruit looked very happy on the big day. Everyone was very nice and super accommodating I guess I am just either difficult to please or a completely miserable person.