Baby Brain: Little Cricket's Birth Story

These decisions, life changing decisions, decisions with multiple angles and feelings attached to them all are the hardest in the world. Where there isn’t a real black and white right or wrong. Where sometimes following your gut is the only thing that you can do. Today was my scheduled caesarean and I still wasn’t 100% comfortable with my decision. Because what I decided wasn’t what I wanted, and there wasn’t enough time to get the two halves of my warring arguments to agree.

Others tried to offer advice, that I should wait, that many women go over their due date, sometimes by two weeks, or worst case scenario I should be induced before I considered following the advice of my doctor and have a scheduled c section. Others told me not to worry about it, that a caesarean was a great option. But I realized that all this conflicting advice wasn’t really helping me because these were adding to my list of things I had to come to terms with. All I ended up doing was stress out. There was no peace for me in the idea of scheduling a caesarean however I always came back to the same conclusion. Although I wanted to control my birth and have a natural delivery the end goal was ‘to have a healthy baby’. Bottom line, nothing else matters. So the day progressed and I tried to just hold it together.

First of all I didn’t sleep a wink last night. I don’t know why I was hoping I would. I even spent most of the day yesterday catching up on all those little last minute chores I wanted done. I skipped my afternoon nap thinking that Mr. Rogue and I would want to turn in early. Surely without a nap and with the manual labor of cleaning all day I would be tired enough to at least get a few hours of what will be my last hours without a child. However Mr. Rogue and I were too excited. We stayed up talking until way past midnight. Me curled into the nook of his arms, my head resting against his shoulder whispering of what will soon be. And then long after he finally nodded off I attempted again and again to stop my racing brain. I kept thinking about the operation, about the pain, about the unfairness that I couldn’t give birth naturally like I wanted, about the complications that could happen and most of all I worried over my little cricket. I played it over and over in my mind until my clock finally got to a point where it was decent enough for me to give up on trying to sleep and start getting ready to leave for the hospital.

I got up to brush my teeth and started thinking about the minor inconveniences of starting this day. Last night I was worried I would be hungry; you are not allowed to eat anything past midnight the day before your surgery, and I am a eat as soon as I get up kind of person. But the hunger wasn’t a concern; my thirst however was not fun. We made it out the door on time, making sure to cross off the last minute things on the 'walking out the door' list I had created. The trash was taken out, the dog and cat were fed, the doors and windows were double-checked but I paused for a moment just before walking out the door. Everything was clean and ready and I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that when I returned home in just a few days I would be walking in with my son wrapped in my arms.



We got to the hospital, checking in was a breeze thanks to the pre-registration that I had completed a few weeks ago, and I found Mrs. Dancer in the waiting room. Even though I was only allowed one person in the operating room Mrs. Dancer came to the hospital bright and early to be there for me. Sure she wouldn’t be able to see me for hours, but she wanted to be there, for me as moral support, just a few rooms over to offer the support she could. It was comforting to know my ever present wing-girl was there just in case I needed her.



I was doing ok in the waiting room. I did ok changing into the gown and getting prepped. It wasn't until the anesthesiologist came out to talk about the spinal block that I finally lost the battle of holding back the tears. He was actually super awesome, cracking jokes to make me laugh, but no matter how sweet he was I couldn't relax. Too many gigantic emotions were clamoring for attention. I was overwhelmed by the physical element of the surgery, I was overwhelmed that I actually was getting surgery, I was overwhelmed by emotions that the moment was actually here and I was overwhelmed that I was actually going to meet my little boy in just 30 minutes. So I cried like a baby while Mr. Rogue, the lovely nurses and my doctor tried to calm me down.


ME TRYING TO BE BRAVE BEFORE I LOST IT


A REALLY CRAPPY SELF PORTRAIT OF THE ALMOST NEW PARENTS TAKEN WITH MR. ROGUE’S iPHONE

What followed was much better than I expected. My fears were much worse than the reality which I guess is a good side effect of a wildly vivid imagination. I was lead into the operating room. I was given not one but two local anesthetics and then the spinal block which I didn't have any pain from and which surprisingly to me worked immediately. Then like the spectator I was I watched. The screen went up between me and the doctors. The heavy flood lights filled the room with a blinding brightness. Mr. Rogue sat there next to my head, his brow furrowed in concentration and worry, he ran his hands up and down my arm, gripped my hand, brushed his lips across my forehead; soothed me that soon we would be seeing our little guy. I felt some pressure and some movement, and then the doctors started whispering. The whispering started freaking me out, my heart monitor started jumping erratically, I started thinking the worse. My little boy was in distress, he wasn’t going to make it, there wasn’t a heartbeat and then my doctor popped her head over the screen. Everything was ok she assured me, the baby was just tucked under my ribs, he didn’t want to come out and they had to be careful because he was all tied up in the umbilical cord. The pressure and movement got even worse, with one doctor trying to push the baby into a better position while my doctor tried to pull but the baby wouldn’t budge. In the end my doctor had to use a vacuum to get my little cricket out.

And he came out squalling.

It was so surreal, that moment. Time seemed to speed up and slow down. I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that my little cricket and I were entirely different brings now. Once the baby was out I couldn't focus on what was happening to me. My mind was laser focused on my new baby getting cleaned not more than 5 feet away proof. The nurses clamped his umbilical cord, they weighed him and checked his heart. He got a solid Apgar score and the nurses kept reassuring me that everything was fine. He never stopped crying.







After a few minutes of their tests the nurse laid my little guy in my arms and I smiled. THIS. This moment, this all-encompassing joy, this perfect place in time was exactly what I have been working toward for so long. It was finally here. My little guy was safe and delivered full term. He was healthy. I was getting stitched up. I was going to be ok. The surgery was a success. I was now a mom. Mr. Rogue and I finally had our rainbow baby!!







Mr. Rogue then left with the baby for a few more tests and to show him off to Mrs. Dancer while the doctors finished with me. There wasn’t any pain and as I laid there I tried to come to terms with everything that was swirling around me. They were quick and soon I was wheeled into the recovery room where I would be monitored closely for the next three hours and where Mr. Rogue and I would get some uninterrupted bonding time with our new baby. All that I cared about was getting my baby back in my arms.

So I am ok, my little cricket is ok which means that our little two person family now included a third. And our lives will never be the same again.




A HEALTHY BABY BOY, BORN 7:58AM – 7LBS – 22 INCHES LONG

Baby Brain: Maternity Photoshoot 40 Weeks

So here we are, our official due date! Soon I'll be lying in my hospital bed staring at the face I've waited so long to meet. I am full of excitement at the prospect but have some understandable nerves too. Once we've got the birth out the way and I know he is okay and that I'm okay, then I will relax. And then I will freak out because my whole world is going to change.

I had such a great time taking the weekly photos for this project. Sure sometimes I didn’t want too because I wasn’t feeling well or I was being lazy but I am so excited that I stuck with it. Such a great way to catalogue the little things so I won’t forget what a magical time this was in my life!




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A RECAP OF MY PREGNANCY WEEKS GONE BY:

Week 12
Week 13
Week 14
Week 15
Week 16
Week 17
Week 18
Week 19
Week 20
Week 21
Week 22
Week 23
Week 24
Week 25
Week 26
Week 27
Week 28
Week 29
Week 30
Week 31
Week 32
Week 33
Week 34
Week 35
Week 36
Week 37
Week 38
Week 39

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Baby Brain: Maternity Photoshoot

Mrs. Dancer and I brainstormed a ton of sample photos that we wanted to mimic and then broke the photography session into two separate days. One day we did some studio shots at my house and then another day we did a few photos in the nursery I didn’t need a billion photos and I didn’t need then to be perfect I just wanted some pictures to remember my bump by since everyone and their mother is saying I am going to miss it when it’s gone. So here it is my maternity photos.















And then the super cool shot of me at 13 weeks and then a similar shot of me at 40 weeks. See how big that belly grew!!!!! Love this shot.



A super big thank you to Mrs. Dancer. Crawling all over the floor and coming over multiple times to get these photos. I appreciate you!

Saying Goodbye to my Therapy BFF

Today was my last session of therapy. I have been feeling better for a while but I have been struggling with the concept of when to stop therapy. I have learned so much by articulating out loud things that we normally just accept as is. Therapy has defiantly been a growing process, a process of reflection and sometimes a painful process.

It’s weird, everyone keeps saying don’t look back, look at the now, look forward, look to all the happy things you have and all the happy things that are to come. I agree but I also disagree. If those hours spent in history class taught me anything it’s that in order to move forward you have to study what you did to get HERE. I was a child and then a teenager. I moved away to college, I grew as a young adult. I made gigantic leaps of awesomeness and I have also made colossal mistakes and those decisions lead me down the roads that have now left me as the woman I am today.

Therapy has lead me backwards, then forwards a constant 50 minute push and pull and I often leave the office emotionally drained and exhausted. It is the way of growth, colliding against thoughts, resisting and then accepting. There is push and there is pull and there is a whole lot of growing pains in between. I am glad I stuck with it, I am glad I kept going when all I wanted to do was quit. I am ecstatic that I am in a better place and I feel that I am ready at least for now to move on.

Baby Brain: Apt with OBGYN

I arrived at my appointment with trepidation. Today was going to decide if I could have the natural birth I had been hoping for or if I was going to have to schedule the dreaded caesarean. Thankfully I had a week to process the information and I came with much more knowledge and many more questions.

I was hooked up to a fetal monitor for an hour. My OB wanted to be sure that the baby’s heart was still doing well and she wanted to see if I was having contractions and just not feeling them. I hung out and read US magazine. Kate Middleton and her pregnancy with fashion, Kim Kardashian and her pregnancy with weight gain. It made me smile until the baby started kicking and I had to pee… then I was just squirmy.

My test went well. The doctor was super happy with the baby’s heartbeat. Apparently a bunch of dips and valleys with the heart are good (the top section) but the bottom section, actual contractions was non-existent.



We ventured into the other room and my doctor did an ultrasound. I was excited when she said the baby was pointed down again. I thought for a moment that I could possibly have a natural delivery but she quickly squashed my hopes. The baby still wasn’t engaged in my hips, which with his past history just means he will probably flip again. She gave me two options. Schedule the caesarean for tomorrow or schedule the caesarean for Friday in the slim hopes that the baby and my body will get it together and get ready.

So I picked Friday and will just have to pray, eat spicy foods and do a ton of walking. The decision has been made, either way this kid will be here Friday!

Mother’s Day: I Cannot Wait to Join the Club

Mr. Rogue woke up this morning, leaned over to give me a kiss and told me Happy Mother’s Day. Even though our little one isn’t here yet it filled me with a warm glow of happiness. A mother, my most coveted title… it’s so close.

I hope I can be half the mother to my little baby as my mother was to me. Wishing I could spend the day with my mother and her mother but like most holidays they are far far away. So we spend the day together in our hearts. Love you mommy!

Baby Brain: The Nursery is Complete

So the nursery… AHHH THE NURSERY. This is something that I started late in my pregnancy. Mostly because of the past two miscarriages, starting the nursery would mean that this pregnancy might actually last, that this baby would be ok, and working on the nursery became this thing that I was desperate to start but terrified to begin. Like if I started it would be putting all my eggs in the basket and let myself actually hope.

So I started late, which is why it has taken me so long to finish it. But finally today I hung the curtains, the last project for the room, and I was able to sit back in my rocking chair and take in the room with a sigh of relief. It was finished, I was still pregnant, and I adored the room. Ok so it might take me months to decorate a space but all that planning at least always leads me to a space I really adore.

Since the walls were already a pale green and since we found out we were having a boy, and since Mr. Rogue loved the color we decided to keep the green walls for the nursery. That’s what started the whole theme – woodland, nature, soothing. I filled the main pieces of the room with creams and whites, pieces that I can use again easily for another boy or a sweet baby girl.






MY COMFY CHAIR WHERE I PLAN ON SPENDING SO MUCH TIME


THE TOY BENCH WAS A GIFT FROM MY GRANDMOTHER, A TRADITION SHE STARTED AS A GIFT TO ALL THE GREAT GRAND CHILDREN

For the accents I picked various woods like the side table, the rocking horse and the picture frames. And then I spotted the tree bookshelf in a magazine and knew it was the perfect final piece to go with our theme. The book shelf in face may just be my favorite piece in the entire room but then again I also love the distressed crib AND the gorgeous rocking chair!


ALL THE WOOD ACCENTS PLAY RIGHT INTO THE WOODLAND THEME – I LOVE HOW MUCH TEXTURE IT BRINGS TO THE ROOM


THE DISTRESSED CRIB MAKES ME HAPPY




HOPEFULLY THIS KID ENJOYS READING AS MUCH AS I DO

It’s a quiet room, it’s a soothing room, it’s a room that appeals more to my senses than to a babies but since we plan on getting pregnant again quickly I will be able to rock out my little boys room in whatever fashion he wants soon. Until then I can hopefully manage the late nights and the crying fits in a room that fills me with serenity. Or if serenity is too much to ask for at least it’s a pretty room to look at!

Rogue Life List: #93. Write a Letter to my Future Child

My Little Cricket,

I was born to be a mother. Never in my life have I thought I would be a woman without children, it was never a question of ‘if I would have kids’ to me it was only a question of ‘when I would have kids’. I was massively unprepared for how hard it would be to get to this place, gloriously, happily soon to be a mom.

Before the days of failed pregnancy tests, miscarriages, invasive inspections of my reproductive factory, fertility drugs and even chromosomal testing I saw pregnancy through vastly different eyes. I saw it as a 40 week celebration with pinks and blues filled with food cravings, sweet little baby kicks, swollen ankles and the occasional bouts of morning sickness. After my struggles with both miscarriages pregnancy feels more like a jump out of a plane with a questionable parachute. A prayed for desperate hope that this time everything will be ok. Many of the milestones of this pregnancy I have tried not to get too excited about, because I have been afraid, afraid of getting my hopes up. To be honest mostly I have been too busy holding my breath in fear that anything I did could cause something bad to happen. I couldn’t spend any time looking at the end goal, sometimes getting through each individual day would be hard, but I did try to spend as much time as I could in the moment. Each individual day that you stayed warm and healthy in your safe little world was a victory to be celebrated.

Which in essence makes you the most wanted, most prayed about child in the world. At times throughout this pregnancy you felt like an elusive dream, and then more recently I started having the sensation like I can already feel you in my arms sniffing your sweet baby smell. Sometimes I have to pinch myself and ask how can I already love you this much? Just when I think that I have a handle on how much I love you it gets bigger and more encompassing. I will be your greatest champion; I will always cheer you on the loudest. You are the new center of my world.

Right now I am loving the dreams of you, though I cannot see your face, though I am not sure of your name, though I don’t know what kind of personality you will have, I know none of that matters. In a few days my dream will be a reality. You will be here, the most beautiful gift ever, you will fill my arms, you will fill my heart and I cannot wait for that moment when you will look into my eyes, as I gaze back into yours and so many parts of my heart will sob and sing at the same time. You are my rainbow after the storm.

I love you,
Mamma


Rainbow Baby: A ‘rainbow baby’ is a baby that is born following a miscarriage. Thank you Mrs. Bulldog for sharing with me this beautiful term.